20201125 daily report: change up

I have been trying and trying to get back on my weight control program with no success.  It is time for a change.

What has worked: going to bed early, and one other thing I just tried today.  That is, I tried eating earlier in the day.  I have been getting worried that by pressuring myself to eat in a controlled way during the day, I am setting myself up for feelings of deprivation that build up during the day and come out at night.  This all comes down to my headspace.  I am eating for the wrong reasons and seeing food as a palliative instead of a fuel.  

I didn’t take a picture today.

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – cobbler (300);

  • 300 calories

Lunch – Pane Torano Italian bread (210) ham (140) cheese (70) olive salad (50)

  • 470 calories 

Dinner – 5oz rice (160); veg curry (240);

  • 400 calories

Snacking – croissant (300); cupcakes (340); ice cream (200);

  • 840 calories

Total for the day: 2040 calories (desired limit 1700).  Fitbit says I burned 3600 calories today.

Sleeping and eating

I have been feeling stressed out.  To de-stress myself I am paying a lot more attention to my comfort level.  In a way, all that does is make me less productive.  If I feel stressed or tense I take a short break or do something else for a few minutes.  On the other hand, I am feeling optimistic about my solution to the food intake problem.

It’s 10PM, I have had 2,040 calories and I don’t feel even a little bit resentful or deprived or any need to eat anything at all.  That’s amazing.  For the last month or longer I have been trying and failing to restrict my food intake during the day because after being careful the whole day I eat the whole kitchen at night.  It’s very bad to spend the day restricting your food intake only to make it all for nothing at night.  For one thing it’s a huge waste of time.  It’s frustrating.  And it’s disappointing.  You end up not believing in yourself because of the repeated failures.

But I have learned.  In that situation, what’s wrong is my own stubbornness.  All I am doing is depriving myself, and that never works.  I have years of evidence of that.  And many failed diet attempts.  

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  There’s no way to feel deprived at MY Thanksgiving!

-The Doctor

20201123 Daily report: an effort of will

Since January 2019, I have been living what I call the weight control lifestyle.  It has been great, largely.  I have set up my life in such a way that losing weight is achievable, regular, predictable, even easy to do.  I have lost 110 pounds.  This was done in a way that didn’t require a lot of willpower.  It was self-sustaining in many ways.

Recently, for the last month or two, I’ve had a lot of stress in my life and that has impacted my ability to stay on the weight control lifestyle.  Some part of me has decided that comfort is needed, to alleviate the stress.  Eating food has become a way to comfort and destress myself, so you see the problem.  Mentally I am in a place where not eating is the same as denying myself comfort and relief from stress.

Worse, now that the stress is dissipating, I find it difficult to make the mental change back to the weight control lifestyle.  It’s not without precedent, though.

Hard to beat homemade pizza.

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – vegetable curry (100);

  • 100 calories

Lunch – Pane Torano Italian bread (210); 86g Kentucky Legend ham (140); Swiss cheese (70); salami (100); olive salad (50);

  • 570 calories 

Dinner – pizza (700)

  • 700 calories

Snacking – tea with half and half (160); pretzels (110)

  • 270 calories

Total for the day: 1640 calories (limit 1700)

Headright headspace

Around this time last year I also had an increase in stress and I wasn’t able to continue the diet for about six months, from December 2019 through May 2020.  Then, I was suddenly able to achieve again.  I lost 30 pounds in the second half of this year.  Exactly why and how I recovered, I don’t know and haven’t figured out.  

My major stressors have resolved, but I am still feeling residual stress.  I am clenching my jaw a lot and don’t know why.  It’s still not easy to make myself concentrate.  My head is not in the right place regarding eating and my diet.  Any my bedtime and wake-up times are out of whack.  But things are getting better.  The last time, it took six months before I got tired of the lack of progress and started controlling my weight again.

This time, using an effort of will, I can put weight control at the top of my moral hierarchy and start thinking right.  It may not take 6 months this time.  Though really, I will be pretty happy if I can get my weight control lifestyle back on track by the end of the year.  I’ll keep writing about my progress, but I am optimistic right now.

-The Doctor

Daily report: slow simmer

I am having a hard day.  That is, a difficult food day.  Part of me really, really wants to eat.  Some of this may be a body thing.  I have been hungry all day.  I had a big breakfast, then needed a good lunch and then I was quite hungry for dinner.  Right now at 8:45PM I am fighting off a desire to go eat something.  But I have already had 1700 calories (or close enough).  This is ridiculous.  I’ll be right back.

I’m back!  I used an old dieting trick.  That is, I ate some foods that don’t have a lot of calories: various pickles and some tomato salsa.  Now I feel like I ate something, but the damage to my weight control efforts is minimal.  Whew.  That could have been chocolates, sandwiches, quesadillas, ice cream, and whatever else I could imagine.  Actually, I’d better not tempt myself.

Actually, this was a good chicken sandwich

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – pizza (200); pannettone (300); candy (200);

  • 700 calories

Lunch – ham sandwich (300); chips (200);

  • 500 calories 

Dinner – crackers and cheese (200); chicken wrap (200);

  • 400 calories

Snacking – tea with half and half (80); pickles and salsa (50)

  • 130 calories

Total for the day: 1730 calories (limit 1700)

Light post

I need a good night’s sleep tonight, big day tomorrow.   I’ve had a look through my food journal records and it seems I have had a bad three weeks and it will take three good weeks just to make up for them.  That seems reasonable.  I just wish I had the feeling that things were under control again.  Then three weeks would be easy to face.

Time to find out!  Goodnight,

-The Doctor

20201118 Daily report: cold walk

Yesterday and today I went walking for exercise. I do that several times per week now, about 3 miles each time.  But yesterday the temperature dropped to 36 during the day.  I went walking anyway.  You get warm as you exercise, right?

I should have prepared better.  That was one cold walk, and it was windy too.

Today it was 30 degrees outside and I went walking again: this time with layers, and a hat, and gloves.  I still wore shorts, though.  The extra gear made a lot of difference, and as long as I kept moving I stayed warm.  

When I came home, it was time for taco salad wednesday!

I had two of these, very filling.

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – lentils and rice (75); ham and cheese sandwich (270);

  • 345 calories

Lunch – Premio sweet Italian sausages (460); wrap (90);

  • 550 calories 

Dinner – taco salad with tortillas (140); cheese (150); chili (150); beans (150); sour cream (50);

  • 640 calories

Snacking – chocolate (170)

  • 170 calories

Total for the day: 1705 calories (limit 1700).  Fitbit says 15,000+ steps, 3243 calories burned.  

Is it working?

I am trying to concentrate on going to bed on time and getting to sleep, and sacrificing everything else.  It’s working, in a way.  I am getting to bed earlier, and not plagued with late night binge eating for the last three nights.  On the other hand, I’m not getting up as early as I would like and not getting as much done as I have in the past.  Have I traded one problem for another?  I could just be recovering my balance.  We shall see.

Facing up to the things that are causing me stress and worry, is a bit stressful and worrying.  But in the long term, there is less to worry about and the load is starting to come under control. 

This is all a part of long term weight control.  There will be stressful periods in everyone’s life, and you will have to learn to deal with them.  When you go to pieces, you learn to pick them back up again.  I have learned not to be too stubborn.  Trying to force myself back into weight control territory while also keeping up with other demands I was putting on myself, was too much.  What is most important to me now?  Weight control.  So I am sacrificing the other priorities (which I wasn’t doing well with anyway) and focusing my attention on going to bed, and avoiding binge late night eating.

This focus on my body’s weight is not meant to be temporary.  I am committing to doing it for the rest of my life.  It will take care and attention, and my needs will change over time.  I am taking all my current trouble as a chance to learn how to pick up the pieces, rebalance and keep going.  That’s the best we can do.  It may even be enough.

-The Doctor

20201117 Daily report: bumping along

For the last 3-4 weeks I have been having a lot of trouble with my food intake discipline.  I’ve been overeating.  For the first few weeks I tried and tried to force myself back onto the straight and narrow path, but I have given up on that.  It’s not working and force doesn’t seem to work very well.

Instead, I decided to focus on bedtime.  I was getting into a pattern of staying up late, eating too much and not being able to get up the next day.  Then I felt bad about it.  That kept happening.  So, for the last two nights I have made myself quit computing at 9 or 9:30 and go to bed a bit early.  It’s helped, in the sense that I haven’t done late night eating the last two nights.

I can look forward to any pizza this meaty!

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – Premio sausage (230); wrap (90); sauce (20);

  • 340 calories

Lunch – Pizza (570);

  • 570 calories 

Dinner – sausage (300); pretzels and cheese (300);

  • 640 calories

Snacking – tea with half and half (160); 

  • 160 calories

Total for the day: 1670 calories (limit 1700)

Forwards

My plan is to keep going this way: early disengagement and bed.  I am also taking steps to reduce some of the stress in my life (taking care of business instead of worrying about it).  I am hopeful that the combination will let me get control of my food intake again.  

Today (the third day of the early bedtime strategy) I ate breakfast early (7AM) and was quite hungry by lunchtime and really ravenous by 4PM.  I didn’t have a small lunch (nearly 600 calories) but still was hungry enough to eat 300 calories before dinner.  

Last night I felt the need to eat something around 8PM (I managed to divert myself to low calorie carrots and pickles) and I was worried that today would be the same.  So far, so good, though.  I did spend part of the afternoon wandering around trying not to think about eating, but it turned out I was legitimately hungry for some reason.  It’s unusual.  But the last few weeks have really thrown me off my game and this will take a little getting used to.  

Bedtime!

-The Doctor

20201116 Daily report: ease up, not off

Recently I have been having trouble managing stress, and it’s been difficult to stay on top of the weight control.  Last night was an experiment.  I was trying to go to bed early to see if that would solve all my problems. I know, it’s never that easy.  And it wasn’t.  But it didn’t hurt anything to try, and at least I have had one whole day with controlled food intake out of it.  Today is not over yet, or I’d call it two days of controlled food intake.

Lately, my pattern has been the same: I desperately try to maintain my food intake at a controlled level and manage all day, then lose it at night, when I eat heavily and go to bed really late.  The cycle continues the next day.  Why?  Well, it’s an old habit in my mind.  The right kind of stress is treated with food.

An old picture, but true: I had chili tonight.

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – leftover beef and broccoli with rice (350);

  • 350 calories

Lunch – 85g Italian bread (210); ham (180); cheese (70); olives (20);

  • 480 calories 

Dinner – 8.8oz chili (370); bread (140);

  • 510 calories

Snacking – tea with half and half (80); crackers and cheese (200); oranges (50);

  • 330 calories

Total for the day: 1670 calories (limit 1700)

Easing up

I am not able to force myself to control my weight, based on my years of trying.  Instead, I can convince myself to do it, persuade, and make it easy.  That’s about it, and that has generally worked these last two years.  But, I have been trying to force it for several weeks now, and that is not working.  So I will quit with the forcing and focus on the problem: bedtime.  I am eating late and going to bed late.  

I started this yesterday, and it was partly successful.  I only had 1475 calories, and I was in the bedroom by 10PM, but didn’t get to sleep until past midnight.  Today I woke up later than I would like.  Now, I will try it again, only this time trying to get into bed around 10PM.  

Psychologists like Jordan Peterson say they can often soothe a patient’s anxiety by having them get plenty of sleep and then eat a big breakfast.  I’m not doing either of those things, and maybe that is a good place to start.  I’m going to floss and brush my teeth and wind down early for a week or two, and see if that helps me relax.  Controlling my weight will be a side benefit, which is an attitude that has worked for me.

Goodnight!

-The Doctor

20201115 Daily report: try by trial

Last night was no success.  I am in the middle of a problem time: I can’t focus on what I need to do to control my eating.  This failure is contributing to my anxiety and it’s generating a self fulfilling prophecy.  I really need to calm down.  

It’s been four weeks since I was able to control my food intake consistently.  At first I just tried to wait it out, it would resolve itself in a week or two.  But now it has been four weeks.  

It is always the same: I am hopeful during the day and control my eating well.  But then at night I stay up late, break down and eat 1500-2000 calories.  I don’t even write it all down, that’s an estimate.  So I am in a bad way.  How to get myself back under control again?  Read on.

Stir-fry is quick and tasty

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – skipped (00)

  • 0 calories

Lunch – sandwiches with toasted bread (240); ham (200); salami (170); cheese (140);

  • 750 calories 

Dinner – 5oz rice (160); beef, pepper and broccoli stir-fry (315)

  • 475 calories

Snacking – tea with half and half (80); cookies (170)

  • 250 calories

Total for the day: 1475 calories (limit 1700 + 500 bonus from swimming, total 2300)

Skipping

Last night I stayed up till past 1AM and lost control: I ate nearly 2000 calories, and it’s been happening on and off for two weeks.  Now I am having trouble getting up in the morning, which makes it all seem worse.  It’s a bad situation.  So what is my way out?

I’m going to focus on getting to bed on time and not staying up late.  That’s not doing me any good.  As soon as I finish my post tonight I will brush and floss, then have a quiet read before getting in bed at 10PM.  I don’t have any trouble getting to sleep once in bed, it’s getting in bed that has always been the problem. 

This approach will take advantage of my weakness of staying up too late.  Everything is flowing from that: I eat too much when I stay up late, I am tired in the morning, and my food cycle is all messed up.  I’m not hungry in the mornings because I am eating hugely at night.  Then it all starts again. So tonight I will reset my clock.  Bedtime is bedtime.  Once in bed I won’t get out again, won’t eat late, and will get plenty of sleep so I can wake up early.  

I am hopeful a few nights of this will help me get back in order.  Wish me luck!  I’m not eager to gain back all the weight I lost over the last two years, nearly.

-The Doctor

20201114 Daily report: nice and slow

Recently I have been all stressed out.  It’s affected my ability to focus on weight control.  The last three weeks on and off, I have used food for an unhealthy purpose.

Back when I was out of control and gaining weight, I was suffering from the idea that food = comfort.  If eating gets associated in your head with comfort, watch out.  Soon you are finding that eating less foods = making yourself uncomfortable.  Why would you put up with that?  The more comfort you need, the more you eat.  And then you are stuck.  

For the last two years, mostly, I have tried out a different idea: food is for satisfying physical hunger and nothing more.  Comfort should come from solving my problems, not soothing them away.  But recently I have been stressed out and my brain has gone back to the old thinking: food = relief from stress.  

Dressing up the noodles

My food intake and calorie count

Breakfast – toast (140); jam (150);

  • 290 calories

Lunch – 5oz rice (160);
red lentil stew (200);
chocolate (120);

  • 480 calories 

Dinner – 5oz noodles (250); sausage (250); peppers, onions, and peas (50); goat cheese (100);

  • 650 calories

Snacking – tea with half and half (80); chocolate (00)

  • 195 calories

Total for the day: 1615 calories (limit 1700)

Nighttime losses

For the last couple of weeks, I have managed my food well during the day and then eaten at night, after I post here.  I have always had trouble at night, it’s my time of greatest food weakness.  This nighttime overeating has nothing to do with hunger.  I believe that I am eating to relieve stress and anxiety.  That’s not a good way to treat being anxious!  After all it doesn’t solve anything.  

But logic is not going to help me here.  What will help?  Well, I have faced this challenge before.  My head’s not in the right place right now.  But I have been able to make it work before, and I know what the right headspace is.  I just need to feel less anxious, or at least find a way to do something about it.

It’s terrible that my reaction to stress is to eat.  It could be worse, but no life is free from stress.  I’ll have to think some more about a more productive way to deal with anxiety and chaos in my life.  I like to think that I am in control, but it’s never as much as I would like.  

Anyway, I don’t want to load myself up with more stress right now.  Today, I have not overeaten.  But night time is here and that has always been my weakness.  Well, whatever happens, I will keep trying.  But I can’t force it.  It just makes me feel disappointed with myself on top of anxious.  I don’t need that.

-The Doctor

20201112 Daily report blues

I have had a hard couple of weeks.  In consequence, the discipline that I showed over the last two years has cracked a bit.  For the last couple of weeks, I keep using food for the wrong purposes: to comfort or soothe myself.  The correct purpose is to use it to meet my physical needs. 

I should be able to soothe and comfort myself in more responsible ways by this point in my life.  But now I know: part of me responds to stress by looking for the easy way out, and my easy way out is food.

This is plenty for my physical needs, and delicious!

Daily food intake

Breakfast – Italian Panettone bread (300);

  • 300 calories

Lunch – baguette (180); ham (75); cheese (70);

  • 325 calories 

Dinner – chicken (200); potatoes (100); beans (35);

  • 335 calories

Snacking – tea with half and half (160); baguette piece (100); candy (140); ham and cheese (350); crackers (100);

  • 850 calories

Total for the day: 1805 calories (limit 1700)

Cracked but not broken

The last two or three days haven’t gone so well, diet wise.  The great strength of my weight loss approach is that a bad day or a bad week isn’t fatal to the diet.  The mindset I have been building is that each day stands on its own and every day is a chance to do things right, to have a perfect day.  I have had two or three bad days, but that doesn’t affect tomorrow.   Tomorrow can be perfect.

Today I had 1805 calories, which is more than I really should be having.  But it ‘s a lot better than Tuesday and Wednesday, when I had more like 3000-3500.  I didn’t even keep good track of my food intake for those two days, which is amazing.  I have been writing down my food journal for nearly two years now without any significant breaks.  But tomorrow can still be a great day.  Enough great days and I will have a great week.  And so on.  

I had no idea how lucky I have been the last two years to be able to keep focused on this goal of weight loss.  I have lost more than 100 pounds and can nearly buy clothes meant for normal sized people.  Now I have a little setback, but I haven’t lost heart.  I do need to pull myself together and find a more constructive way to deal with stress.  

Well, all discipline starts somewhere.  I will go to bed, and get up on time, and set myself to my daily task: keeping my food journal, planning out my meals and regulating my food intake so that I can have a perfect day.  I will think about the last two years and how I managed to achieve this much.  That will contain the seeds of going all the way.

-The Doctor

20201107 Weekly weigh-in: exercise

After two terrible diet weeks, it’s time to face up to my situation.  I said yesterday I expected to weigh 215 pounds today.  At my lowest (three weeks ago?  Four?) I was 212.8 pounds.

I weighed 215.2 pounds this morning.  Right where I expected to be.  I have still lost about 110 pounds since I started, which is nice.  It will just take a little longer to get to my target weight.

Late night

I don’t have much to say today.  I had plans to analyze some fitbit data, but I will wait until I am losing again.  Goodnight, and remember: if you want to be in control of your weight, that has to be a top value that you live by and you have to be responsible for it.  No diet plan or food can take that responsibility.  The achievement is yours.

-The Doctor

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